I was wearing size 0 jeans that were too big, I had a constant headache, and at that point when I did try to eat I had trained my body to not accept it and would throw it up. I began eating literally like a baby I remember my mom buying me protein shakes and it would take me all morning to get it down at a rate that I wouldn't throw up. I finished out my high school career eating bare minimum and running my ass off--literally. I ran nonstop. I started college and my body was trained to throw up if I ate past a certain point at this point it was no big deal. Ask anyone--"oh Emilee's throwing up again?? no big deal. It was probably the
greasy food." No, it was probably the fact that I had trained my body to only take in empty calories; things that would fill my stomach but had no benefits essentially. I began experiencing amenorrhea (loss of my menstrual cycle) and thought I have heard of this happening to people when they run a lot I must be doing good--and then it began to scare me.. am I going to be able to have kids? Okay maybe I should do something about this.. at the time I had come home for a semester waiting to hear a response on COTA school and FINALLYYYYYYYY decided I wanted help. There was something that shook me at my inner core at the thought of not being able to have kids (it still gives me chills to write that) and I decided to see Kerri. I thought okay this chick is cool, she really might be able to help me and the healing process began....beautiful disaster is the only way I can describe that crap. If ya know me talking about my feelings isn't exactly what I enjoy. I'd much rather play things off, just laugh and tell people they're stupid and cry about it later when no one is around. Yup, that's me. I've spent the last year and half retraining my brain to believe that my body is this amazing vessel, and when fueled properly it will do pretty amazing things. I can't say that its been easy, an eating disorder distorts your brain in a way that doesn't even make sense until you've been there. I remember watching a movie in health in high school and telling Ashley the girl in the movie was stupid, how could she not see how much weight she was losing?! This had to be fake. I was that girl. Completely unaware of how unbelievably distorted her body image was. Four years ago I went to counseling for the first time and today I sat in Kerri's office and cried for the girl I used to be, for the girl who was completely unaware of what I was capable of becoming. I let my worth be valued by something so superficial, completely irrelevant to anything that mattered. I truly believed that this chase of "being perfect" was going to fill a void. The OCD that took control of my eating ultimately devoured the control I had of my day to day life. A day wasn't good until I worked out, if I had worked out and then ate a cupcake you bet I was going to be out the door to run it off minutes later--don't believe me? ;) ask my momma. This world is full of negative people and negative situations and when you let them control your world you lose time that you'll never ever ever get back. I spent the last three years really not even mentally present in lots of situations, just physically there. I completely over looked how blessed I really am; just focused on what I could do to make things "better." I hate to say it folks but sometimes things don't get better, sometimes the only control you have over a situation is yourself. You can choose to let things make you bitter or you can choose to make you better. I'm finally better..happy..healthy..strong.. For the first time in so long I'm so happy with myself. That i'm strong. That I can enjoy going to eat a meal with my friends and heck, I might even drink an occasional beer. ;) Choose happiness over any circumstance. Choose to take care of your body and fuel it correctly.
Today I woke up at 6:15 made my hour commute to school had class and then drove home, made it to crossfit, to my check up with Kerri, and now I'm writing this from work and STILL at this point in my day am smiling, genuinely. A huge leap from what my days would have looked like previously. I'm not saying that this war is over, that the battle is won. Today I am simply stating that a mission I have worked so hard for has been accomplished. That every day I'm choosing to be 1% better than I was yesterday. No regression, only progression from here.
XOXO